My father is telling me to do everything properly and perfectly. Sometimes I tell him he is strict but he denies it.
Question: My father is telling me to do everything properly and perfectly. Sometimes I tell him he is strict but he denies it. I want to play on a soccer team but every game day is on Saturday. I go to church on Saturday to keep the Sabbath day holy. Every youth soccer team has a game day on the Sabbath. Can you help me?
Response: Thank you for reaching out with your question. Living up to the high or unrealistic expectations of others, especially our parents, can be very overwhelming. I commend you for taking the time to acknowledge your feelings, process what you’ve experienced and reflect upon how it’s all impacted you. While parents want the best for their children, their standards, expectations, dreams, and desires for them can sometimes create anxiety, frustration, and emotional struggles in the long run. Recognizing this pressure and naming the feelings it’s causing early on is key to creating balance.
I want you to know that God never makes mistakes. All that you are and will become is because of the beauty, power, wisdom and strength that He’s placed in you. You are enough because He made you and has called you His own. You are more than the grades you make in school, more than the career path you’re set up to walk, and way more than the sports team or organizations to which you belong. While these are great life experiences and opportunities, they don’t define you. Your value is not buried in the things that you do. Your skills, abilities, or even your gifts do not define your value - God defines your value. And that is - you are His child. Your value and worth comes from Him. Now, I understand from your message that you want to respect and honor your father’s wishes or expectations while having personal freedom and autonomy. Here are some practical tips you can use as you endeavor to find this balance and deal with the pressures you’re feeling:
Understand your father as an individual
In other words, get to know your father. Once you have a deeper understanding of who he is and the background he comes from, you begin to see why he’s established certain standards and has certain expectations. The more you understand about his upbringing, his view of responsibilities, and his beliefs as a Christian, the more you will begin to see the perspectives through which he understands and views life, particularly in relation to you. You will come to understand that the guidelines he’s put in place are likely to make sure you don’t have to face or experience any of what he did. They are so your life is a little easier or better than he experienced. Of course, it’s possible that in his attempt to protect and provide for you he overcompensated and became overly protective, strict, and maybe even overbearing. Once you begin to see and understand your father as an individual you will gain the wisdom and strength to give him grace and compassion. You will gain the confidence to share your feelings and personal goals with him. You will be assertive in your conversations about him extending grace and trust to you as he’s raised a responsible and honorable young man. You will begin to see him as imperfect and needing love, patience, grace, forgiveness, and kindness. Yes, even our parents need grace and understanding as they instruct and guide us. Once you see him in that lens, you can then go on to have deeper conversations with him about finding a balance in your life.
Communicate with him openly and honestly about how you’re feeling.
Having open and frequent conversations with your father about your life, interests, school, friends, goals, and future plans is a great step to involve him in your life in a healthy way. When you take the initiative and go to him, he will begin to see you as more responsible and committed to what’s of importance, and will likely have more trust in your choices and decisions. The more you talk to your father and get him involved in your experiences, the more he’ll trust you and firmly believe that you are capable and trustworthy. That way, he doesn’t have to overreach, hover, or compel you in any way.
Talk with your father. Ask him to teach and show you how to balance different things in your life.
Ask him to teach you how to go about the things you do in ways that are honorable but also leave room for errors. Room for errors isn't bad. Mistakes are the best teachers. Share with your dad that failure does not have to be final. Engage him in a conversation where you share that the greatest lessons can be learned from not doing things perfectly or properly. I’m not sure exactly what areas he’s the most strict but if those instances aren’t life threatening then let him know that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to try again. It’s certainly okay to fail and find a different way or path to do something. I know this will take some courage but you can do it. Pick a time when he’e in a good mood to have the conversation. Be honest with him. Let him know of the burden that you carry. Tell him that you want to improve your relationship but his standards or expectations can be very daunting and overwhelming.
And remember, listen.
Listen to him. Allow him to share. Don’t get upset or frustrated. It may take some time and work, but the important thing is to share how this has been impacting you. Give yourself that freedom and power to share.
Finally, be patient.
Yes, it can be frustrating but change will happen. Always remember that he wants what’s best for you. You are his child. Your best interest is in his heart and always on his mind. It may not always manifest that way, but he loves you. Speak with him about how you feel. Share about the pressures, the realities of your life, your dreams and aspirations, and pray that he will see that he’s doing a good job with you.
Sending all the prayers your way,
ARJ Mentor
