How Can I Control My Sexual Urges and Stay Pure?
Question: How do I control my sexual urges and thoughts? I want to stay pure.
Response: Thank you for reaching out with this question. These feelings that you have are totally normal! God has designed us each with the desire to find a mate and love them unconditionally, fully, and that includes sex. In this sin-filled world it can be hard to decide if it is worth “waiting,” and even harder to navigate what it means to be truly practicing “godly” sexuality - in line with what God wants for us.
God has called us to sexual purity, but we can sometimes find ourselves frustrated and ashamed when we have any sexual desires at all. This is where we get it all wrong. God made sex and wants us to enjoy its pleasures in the context of marriage. He designed it this way because it is a beautiful and unique way to express your love for your husband or wife – nothing else quite communicates your one-ness in the same way. You are truly bonded for life. That connection combined with the mental and emotional commitment that comes with a God-centered marriage will stand the tests of time. You aren’t supposed to just not feel these desires, but we are supposed to wait to act on them until marriage.
Going forward with this pure heart, mind, and body and waiting for marriage will not be easy, there’s no doubt about it. In moments when it feels like the gray areas of sex (sexual acts but not intercourse – masturbation, etc.) sound tempting, remember what God has to say about sexual purity in the Bible. There are two levels of purity that God calls us to: firstly physical and then mental sexual purity. In 1 Corinthians 6:18 it says “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body”. This is speaking about the physical purity part. The second aspect of sexual purity that we are to maintain is described in Matthew 5:28 where it says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” What Matthew is trying to say is that if you see a person and let your mind start romanticizing about them in a sexual way, you’ve sinned just the same as if you were to be physically sexual with them.
These standards are high, and may feel unattainable. The truth is that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The one and only way that we have hope of remaining strong in our convictions is if we call on the power of the Holy Spirit to help. To be honest with you, this is something that more people deal with than they would like to admit. It is so hard to remain pure, and it sometimes almost feels counter-intuitive when you’re building a relationship with someone to wait to add in this very important piece until after you’re married. After all, the more you get to know someone and the more you love them, the more you want to show them that love (and receive their love) in every way possible.
So what can you do with this fiery passion that you feel? If and when you find yourself starting to dwell on thoughts of sex, try and pause what you are doing in that moment and change your situation. Is it something that you are watching, reading or a picture even that is causing you to dwell on sexual thoughts? Get up and do something else. Go outside, on a walk, a run, interact with people. Keep your mind and hands busy on other things.
The Bible tells us in Philippians 4 that we should guard our hearts and our minds, and spend our time thinking about things that are good, right, true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. When you feel yourself thinking about sex, go down that list of traits and think of one thing that falls into each of those categories. For example, if you’re hanging out at home watching a movie and you find your mind wandering to places you don’t want it to go, turn off the movie and take out a pen and paper and write down those 9 traits, and then write something next to them that fits the description; good: helping others, right: telling the truth, true: communicating openly, noble: assisting those less fortunate, pure: a child’s smile, lovely: a flower, admirable: a brave military officer, excellent: a fantastic novel you love, and praiseworthy: God’s forgiveness. Your list will be different every time, but by actively directing your mind on where to go and what to think about, you’ll find that a whole new train of thought is created that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. It will get easier to derail those thoughts and guide yourself away from temptation each time you do this.
I’m sending all the prayers your way, brother!
ARJ Mentor
