The Fake Stepmother

Question: I have known my step mom for 15 years now. I do love her and I am glad my dad has someone who makes him happy. Since I was 13 she has always had an immature mindset; I've had to be the bigger person the entire time I've known her. I'm 28 now and it only feels like her behavior has gotten worse. I pray all the time that God will do anything, anything at all to better our relationship but it's been years now and I'm out of any hope for a true relationship with her. She despises my mom who I love dearly, so it's caused tension. But the problem is that she takes it out on me. When it's just me and her near one another she will be super mean. Won't talk to me, roles her eyes, etc etc. But when my dad comes around she puts this show on and it completely throws me for a loop. I have tried talking to her to make peace and she always treats it as of I'm apologizing and "appreciates me for noticing something was wrong" but continues to treat me the same way.... I'm tired. But I have a brother and sister from my step mom and my dad who I adore, and I also adore my dad. Sometimes it feels like I have to walk on eggshells in order to have a relationship with them. I don't know what to do anymore.... I often cry because I'm so mentally exhausted wondering what can fix all this. Please help me.
Response: Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story here. I’m so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you’re having navigating this relationship with your step-mom. Relationships with step-parents are hard. There’s no doubt about it. You’re not alone in feeling like it’s a constant, uphill battle to get things to a good place.

It sounds like it’s been a long road of trying everything in your power to make this relationship healthy, mutually beneficial, loving, and it’s just not happening. I think this is one of those situations where you have to bless and release. There’s something to be said for getting/giving some distance, and setting healthy boundaries with your time, emotional and mental energy, and your own investment in a relationship. Especially when the efforts aren’t reciprocated, as in this case with your step-mom, it’s key to protect yourself and not allow yourself to get sucked into the drama, the games, and her manipulative behavior. I encourage you to look up some stuff about narcissism and see if she fits the bill. It sounds like she might, and it’s worth taking a look at some articles about how to deal with narcissistic parents for tips on how to interact with her if that’s the case. Boundaries are key, and I’m glad you reached out for help.

I hear you about wanting a relationship with your dad and siblings, and I think it’s possible to have that relationship, while also just not indulging in your step-mom’s drama. I know I don’t have the whole picture, but based on what you shared, it sounds like you might need to once and for all let go of the idea of having that “ideal” relationship with your step-mom, and accept that it is what it is. That there are some things you can change, and some things you can’t. You can’t change her, her behavior, her lack of respect for you, the fact that she’s two-faced and acts unkindly to you. You can’t change the fact that she’s immature, or convince her to be a different person than who she is. You can however change the way you allow her to affect you. The time you invest in being near her, talking with her, etc. You can control your reactions to her. You can choose to be kind, and also not tolerate abuse. You can stand up for yourself and stop walking on eggshells to avoid the conflicts. You can be unapologetically you. You are brave, and you are loved by the God of the universe. You are good enough. You don’t owe her an explanation. You don’t owe her your time. You don’t owe her your energy. Protect your sphere and don’t let people who pull you down set foot inside. You are a son of the King of the Universe, and you have the power to let LOVE WIN.  You can love her, AND also choose to set boundaries to keep yourself in a mentally/emotionally healthy place. 

Sending all the prayers your way, brother!